So, while I am excited about taking charge of my health and putting myself first, I am mired in stress at both work and home.
At times like this I want to just eat ice cream and salty and sweet granola bars to push away the fear, anger, and guilt for not being simply loving and supportive. As I approach my life changing surgery, I am scared that I will not be able to push down my feelings with food and will explode!
I realize that some might (if anyone but me ever reads my blog :) ) think that I am selfish for feeling the way that I do. My husband loves me, and I love him. The fact that we are able to make ends meet without him working is more than most people can say, and I am grateful that our situation is what it is, and not what a lot of others are going through.
I am strong. I am able to process these emotions and not implode over the stress of it all. I want to move forward and take care of me. I know that it will be hard, but I have to remember why I am doing this in the first place- health, confidence, and to fully embrace my life.
Tomorrow will be better.
xoxox
A
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Getting Excited Now
Hi there,
So, Friday is my big day- the psych eval. I am psych-ed! :)
Life in my world is stressful right now. Too many projects at work, too may stressors at home. I am glad that I am coming to the begining of a new phase of my life- putting myself first -it feels weird and selfish to write that considering I have a two year old- but as someone told me "you can be a good caretaker if you don't take care of yourself". True.
My health is very important to me now. More important consciously, than it has ever been. It's difficult to explain, but now that I have a child, my being around for her and able to support and love her for as long as possible.
This journey I am undertaking is scary, in some ways, but very thrilling in others. My dream of being able to walk into any store and pick out an outfit is one thing, but actually taking responsibility for my health is even more exciting.
xoxo
A
So, Friday is my big day- the psych eval. I am psych-ed! :)
Life in my world is stressful right now. Too many projects at work, too may stressors at home. I am glad that I am coming to the begining of a new phase of my life- putting myself first -it feels weird and selfish to write that considering I have a two year old- but as someone told me "you can be a good caretaker if you don't take care of yourself". True.
My health is very important to me now. More important consciously, than it has ever been. It's difficult to explain, but now that I have a child, my being around for her and able to support and love her for as long as possible.
This journey I am undertaking is scary, in some ways, but very thrilling in others. My dream of being able to walk into any store and pick out an outfit is one thing, but actually taking responsibility for my health is even more exciting.
xoxo
A
Monday, July 26, 2010
I'm Ready
So, this is my first entry of my "band" blog. Yay!
Background:
Female, age 41, Virgo
Over-achiever
Mother, Wife, Sister, Daughter
Enabler?
Tall
Beautiful
Obese
Pre-surgical interviews/consult 7/3-0-8/4
As my two year old daughter would say..."here my go..."
I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I always remember being bigger, even when I was a kid. Always tall (I'm 5'11), and bigger than most kids my age, I spent most of my childhood and early adolescence being a tomboy- acting uninterested in boys to ward off any one noticing me as anything other than a scully or skateboarding friend, and in my mind, preventing ridicule.
Thinking back, I remember being in like 7th grade, or so- 11 or 12, and going on a diet. I was 157lbs and got down to 147. I was about 5'5. There was a boy that I liked, but I was ashamed of how I looked, so I stayed away. It was certainly a little crush, but I felt fat, and looking back, I was a little soft, but hardly fat. Like the other girls my age, I still wore drawstring shorts, short sleeve shirts, and buffalo shoes, but I tried to be invisible.
Fast forward twenty years or so- I met my hubby ten years ago, and we married in 2005. Together we have a beautiful daughter, who just turned two. She is the light of my life. My husband loves me for me, has always been supportive, and continues to be supportive of my choice to have gastric banding. I am blessed to also have a step son, who is thirteen, and who fills me with hope for the next generation of men- he is truly a wonderful person!
I have been on a diet a few times- "Diet Center" when I was in my late teens- I lost about 30 lbs or so, and was around 189. I also tried Nutrisystem- in my early twenties- I probably weighed around 230? In my late twenties/early thirties, it was a low carb/high protein with intese exercise- I started at 280 and got down to 240. Honestly, I felt pretty hot at 240, which is crazy, right? I have had half hearted attempts at weight loss, only to sabotage myself. I always say, "I have to be ready to lose weight..." What am I waiting for? I guess the answer is to do it for me. To lose weight for me, FIRST. Not my parents, society, acceptance, love, my boyfriend... For me.
Now that I am over 40, and so blessed to have it all, the last thing to accomplish is the weight loss. I'm ready. I know I can do it. I will need support, and I'm not afraid to ask for it- that's part of the reason for my blog. Hopefully, there are people out there who relate, and have been where I am, and who in the future I can motivate too.
So here I am. 300+ pounds. I haven't weighed myself in a few months, and I am afraid to get on. I have come to the decision that I need to do something different- I need some help. I know that the lap band is not a magic bullet- it takes work, exercise, discipline. I am ready. I can't wait to lose this extra person I have been dragging around!
Here are my reasons:
1. Be healthy
2. Embrace activity again- I remember loving exercise when it wasn't torture
3. Be a role model to my daughter and twin two year old neices
4. Be able to shop and pick out any size 12 confidently!
5. Shoe size shrink? I am a size 12W (try buying shoes- it's not easy!)
6. Rock out a hot swimsuit
7. Feel sexy again. I haven't felt sexy in about 50lbs
8. Be more attractive
9. Zumba
10. Gain control of my destiny and life
Reading all of the blogs out there has really inspired me. Amy, in particular, and Catherine are very inspirational. I hope to be an inspiration too. Thanks for reading, and for joining me on this exciting and scary ride!
xxoxox
Annie
Background:
Female, age 41, Virgo
Over-achiever
Mother, Wife, Sister, Daughter
Enabler?
Tall
Beautiful
Obese
Pre-surgical interviews/consult 7/3-0-8/4
As my two year old daughter would say..."here my go..."
I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I always remember being bigger, even when I was a kid. Always tall (I'm 5'11), and bigger than most kids my age, I spent most of my childhood and early adolescence being a tomboy- acting uninterested in boys to ward off any one noticing me as anything other than a scully or skateboarding friend, and in my mind, preventing ridicule.
Thinking back, I remember being in like 7th grade, or so- 11 or 12, and going on a diet. I was 157lbs and got down to 147. I was about 5'5. There was a boy that I liked, but I was ashamed of how I looked, so I stayed away. It was certainly a little crush, but I felt fat, and looking back, I was a little soft, but hardly fat. Like the other girls my age, I still wore drawstring shorts, short sleeve shirts, and buffalo shoes, but I tried to be invisible.
Fast forward twenty years or so- I met my hubby ten years ago, and we married in 2005. Together we have a beautiful daughter, who just turned two. She is the light of my life. My husband loves me for me, has always been supportive, and continues to be supportive of my choice to have gastric banding. I am blessed to also have a step son, who is thirteen, and who fills me with hope for the next generation of men- he is truly a wonderful person!
I have been on a diet a few times- "Diet Center" when I was in my late teens- I lost about 30 lbs or so, and was around 189. I also tried Nutrisystem- in my early twenties- I probably weighed around 230? In my late twenties/early thirties, it was a low carb/high protein with intese exercise- I started at 280 and got down to 240. Honestly, I felt pretty hot at 240, which is crazy, right? I have had half hearted attempts at weight loss, only to sabotage myself. I always say, "I have to be ready to lose weight..." What am I waiting for? I guess the answer is to do it for me. To lose weight for me, FIRST. Not my parents, society, acceptance, love, my boyfriend... For me.
Now that I am over 40, and so blessed to have it all, the last thing to accomplish is the weight loss. I'm ready. I know I can do it. I will need support, and I'm not afraid to ask for it- that's part of the reason for my blog. Hopefully, there are people out there who relate, and have been where I am, and who in the future I can motivate too.
So here I am. 300+ pounds. I haven't weighed myself in a few months, and I am afraid to get on. I have come to the decision that I need to do something different- I need some help. I know that the lap band is not a magic bullet- it takes work, exercise, discipline. I am ready. I can't wait to lose this extra person I have been dragging around!
Here are my reasons:
1. Be healthy
2. Embrace activity again- I remember loving exercise when it wasn't torture
3. Be a role model to my daughter and twin two year old neices
4. Be able to shop and pick out any size 12 confidently!
5. Shoe size shrink? I am a size 12W (try buying shoes- it's not easy!)
6. Rock out a hot swimsuit
7. Feel sexy again. I haven't felt sexy in about 50lbs
8. Be more attractive
9. Zumba
10. Gain control of my destiny and life
Reading all of the blogs out there has really inspired me. Amy, in particular, and Catherine are very inspirational. I hope to be an inspiration too. Thanks for reading, and for joining me on this exciting and scary ride!
xxoxox
Annie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)