Hey Chicas,
So, I got my fill, and I feel great. I had 5.0 cc's put in- as you may remember I had it emptied, and have been living with it empty since 11/2. I gained nine pounds in that time, but the good news is that I am down six of those! Yay! I love liquids!
The good news is that I feel pretty motivated.
So, here's a NSV. Today I am wearing a dress- kind of shorter than I am comfortable with, but I am wearing tights. I feel self conscious today. I did get some feedback that I look great in this dress, and when I made a face and my usual "I feel fat, my legs look terrible in this, it's so short" comment, the person said I look great, in fact, they love seeing me in dresses, and that I am extremely beautiful.
Uh.
So, it's not a sexual harrassment thing, so don't get all uncomfortable. It was kind of a nice compliment, and I took it as such. I now, no longer feel AS self conscious in my short dress.
He he he
Things are better on the home front as well, which is great. I think I hit a low point last week, when I finally posted after so long. Things are looking up!
xoxoxo
Annie
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The Last Month, and Happy Thanksgiving!
First of all, my sincerest and heartfelt Happy Thanksgiving to all of you lovely people who celebrate!
Now, what's new with me? It's been a WHOLE Month since I have blogged, although, I do read the blogs from time to time.
I had a tweak in my band that led me to be TOO TIGHT! Emergency room tight. Complete un-fill tight. Ugh.
I have been fluid free in my band for 2 weeks, and I have an appt. on the 29th to get some fluid put back in. I have been careful these last couple of weeks, but have been eating food that I hadn't been able to in a while. The overfill was completely my own fault- she wanted to put in a touch, I asked for more, the rest is history. When you cannot swallow your own spit, it sucks.
Life otherwise has been very stressful. I am blessed to have the problems I have because I can deal with them, but it's not always easy. I know everyone has their fair share these days, and I am not complaining. I am more sharing, and asking for support. My daughter is wonderful, she is growing up so quickly- 3 and a half now! wow! She is awesome.
Things with my husband have been very difficult. He is working with a new doctor, getting PT (very intense PT) three days a week, and is in a lot of pain all the time. Pain sucks. It changes everything. It changes your personality. It changes your life. We are making some strides in getting him into pain management, but that has it's challenges as well. There is a perception factor that if you are in pain and need pain medicine, that you are a druggie. It erodes your self esteem to have to ask for relief from pain- and it makes you angry to have to beg for something that will help. All very complicated.
I work in the health care industry, so I get it. I also get that patients have a right to NOT be in PAIN.
Having said all of that, it is hard to continue to be supportive in light of his difficult moods, especially when I have been carrying the load for two years now. I am blessed to be able to continue to do so, but it's hard to be superwoman, and do it with a sunny disposition 24/7!
I did start seeing a therapist a couple of months ago, and it is helpful. I am not on any anti-depressents any more- they numbed me out, and frankly, I have wasted enough time being numb. As uncomfortable as things are, I need to be 100% engaged, and present, and aware. I don't want to go through the motions anymore, and it's that spirit that makes me short with my husband when he expects me to be caring. I don't want to see a sink full of dishes when I get home with our daughter at 7:15 and then hear how hungry you are. Sorry. This anger comes out, his anger comes out, and because we don't want to fight in front of our daughter, it just festers.
Wow, this is becoming more cathartic than I expected!
So, who knows what is going to happen. I am happy he is going to be going to pain mgt in December. I am happy that I am not numb. I am happy I am getting a fill next Monday. I am also happy that I have my daughter, and I know that despite these problems, my husband and I love each other. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet and destroy a family.
Maybe the message is thankfulness. Be thankful for what you do have- I am. Be thankful for the problems you don't have- I am. Be thankful for being thankful.
Needless to say, all of this is complicated, confusing, stressful, and sad. I force myself not to turn to my old friend food during these times. Without the fluid in my band, it's easy to overdo it. I must remain mindful of the progress I have made, but I am also allowing myself a bit of a break. Obviously I am eating more that I had- out of hunger. I never had hunger when I was at a good adjustment (or even a too tight adjustment!)- I just need to get back there, without the pbing.
I am still holding onto 80 pounds lost, and I am thankful to that. I know once my band is adjusted again, I will be back on track- fall down seven times, get up eight, right??
Love to all, and all my best wishes for a wonderful holiday.
xoxoxox
Annie
Now, what's new with me? It's been a WHOLE Month since I have blogged, although, I do read the blogs from time to time.
I had a tweak in my band that led me to be TOO TIGHT! Emergency room tight. Complete un-fill tight. Ugh.
I have been fluid free in my band for 2 weeks, and I have an appt. on the 29th to get some fluid put back in. I have been careful these last couple of weeks, but have been eating food that I hadn't been able to in a while. The overfill was completely my own fault- she wanted to put in a touch, I asked for more, the rest is history. When you cannot swallow your own spit, it sucks.
Life otherwise has been very stressful. I am blessed to have the problems I have because I can deal with them, but it's not always easy. I know everyone has their fair share these days, and I am not complaining. I am more sharing, and asking for support. My daughter is wonderful, she is growing up so quickly- 3 and a half now! wow! She is awesome.
Things with my husband have been very difficult. He is working with a new doctor, getting PT (very intense PT) three days a week, and is in a lot of pain all the time. Pain sucks. It changes everything. It changes your personality. It changes your life. We are making some strides in getting him into pain management, but that has it's challenges as well. There is a perception factor that if you are in pain and need pain medicine, that you are a druggie. It erodes your self esteem to have to ask for relief from pain- and it makes you angry to have to beg for something that will help. All very complicated.
I work in the health care industry, so I get it. I also get that patients have a right to NOT be in PAIN.
Having said all of that, it is hard to continue to be supportive in light of his difficult moods, especially when I have been carrying the load for two years now. I am blessed to be able to continue to do so, but it's hard to be superwoman, and do it with a sunny disposition 24/7!
I did start seeing a therapist a couple of months ago, and it is helpful. I am not on any anti-depressents any more- they numbed me out, and frankly, I have wasted enough time being numb. As uncomfortable as things are, I need to be 100% engaged, and present, and aware. I don't want to go through the motions anymore, and it's that spirit that makes me short with my husband when he expects me to be caring. I don't want to see a sink full of dishes when I get home with our daughter at 7:15 and then hear how hungry you are. Sorry. This anger comes out, his anger comes out, and because we don't want to fight in front of our daughter, it just festers.
Wow, this is becoming more cathartic than I expected!
So, who knows what is going to happen. I am happy he is going to be going to pain mgt in December. I am happy that I am not numb. I am happy I am getting a fill next Monday. I am also happy that I have my daughter, and I know that despite these problems, my husband and I love each other. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet and destroy a family.
Maybe the message is thankfulness. Be thankful for what you do have- I am. Be thankful for the problems you don't have- I am. Be thankful for being thankful.
Needless to say, all of this is complicated, confusing, stressful, and sad. I force myself not to turn to my old friend food during these times. Without the fluid in my band, it's easy to overdo it. I must remain mindful of the progress I have made, but I am also allowing myself a bit of a break. Obviously I am eating more that I had- out of hunger. I never had hunger when I was at a good adjustment (or even a too tight adjustment!)- I just need to get back there, without the pbing.
I am still holding onto 80 pounds lost, and I am thankful to that. I know once my band is adjusted again, I will be back on track- fall down seven times, get up eight, right??
Love to all, and all my best wishes for a wonderful holiday.
xoxoxox
Annie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)