Hey Chicas,
So, I got my fill, and I feel great. I had 5.0 cc's put in- as you may remember I had it emptied, and have been living with it empty since 11/2. I gained nine pounds in that time, but the good news is that I am down six of those! Yay! I love liquids!
The good news is that I feel pretty motivated.
So, here's a NSV. Today I am wearing a dress- kind of shorter than I am comfortable with, but I am wearing tights. I feel self conscious today. I did get some feedback that I look great in this dress, and when I made a face and my usual "I feel fat, my legs look terrible in this, it's so short" comment, the person said I look great, in fact, they love seeing me in dresses, and that I am extremely beautiful.
Uh.
So, it's not a sexual harrassment thing, so don't get all uncomfortable. It was kind of a nice compliment, and I took it as such. I now, no longer feel AS self conscious in my short dress.
He he he
Things are better on the home front as well, which is great. I think I hit a low point last week, when I finally posted after so long. Things are looking up!
xoxoxo
Annie
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The Last Month, and Happy Thanksgiving!
First of all, my sincerest and heartfelt Happy Thanksgiving to all of you lovely people who celebrate!
Now, what's new with me? It's been a WHOLE Month since I have blogged, although, I do read the blogs from time to time.
I had a tweak in my band that led me to be TOO TIGHT! Emergency room tight. Complete un-fill tight. Ugh.
I have been fluid free in my band for 2 weeks, and I have an appt. on the 29th to get some fluid put back in. I have been careful these last couple of weeks, but have been eating food that I hadn't been able to in a while. The overfill was completely my own fault- she wanted to put in a touch, I asked for more, the rest is history. When you cannot swallow your own spit, it sucks.
Life otherwise has been very stressful. I am blessed to have the problems I have because I can deal with them, but it's not always easy. I know everyone has their fair share these days, and I am not complaining. I am more sharing, and asking for support. My daughter is wonderful, she is growing up so quickly- 3 and a half now! wow! She is awesome.
Things with my husband have been very difficult. He is working with a new doctor, getting PT (very intense PT) three days a week, and is in a lot of pain all the time. Pain sucks. It changes everything. It changes your personality. It changes your life. We are making some strides in getting him into pain management, but that has it's challenges as well. There is a perception factor that if you are in pain and need pain medicine, that you are a druggie. It erodes your self esteem to have to ask for relief from pain- and it makes you angry to have to beg for something that will help. All very complicated.
I work in the health care industry, so I get it. I also get that patients have a right to NOT be in PAIN.
Having said all of that, it is hard to continue to be supportive in light of his difficult moods, especially when I have been carrying the load for two years now. I am blessed to be able to continue to do so, but it's hard to be superwoman, and do it with a sunny disposition 24/7!
I did start seeing a therapist a couple of months ago, and it is helpful. I am not on any anti-depressents any more- they numbed me out, and frankly, I have wasted enough time being numb. As uncomfortable as things are, I need to be 100% engaged, and present, and aware. I don't want to go through the motions anymore, and it's that spirit that makes me short with my husband when he expects me to be caring. I don't want to see a sink full of dishes when I get home with our daughter at 7:15 and then hear how hungry you are. Sorry. This anger comes out, his anger comes out, and because we don't want to fight in front of our daughter, it just festers.
Wow, this is becoming more cathartic than I expected!
So, who knows what is going to happen. I am happy he is going to be going to pain mgt in December. I am happy that I am not numb. I am happy I am getting a fill next Monday. I am also happy that I have my daughter, and I know that despite these problems, my husband and I love each other. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet and destroy a family.
Maybe the message is thankfulness. Be thankful for what you do have- I am. Be thankful for the problems you don't have- I am. Be thankful for being thankful.
Needless to say, all of this is complicated, confusing, stressful, and sad. I force myself not to turn to my old friend food during these times. Without the fluid in my band, it's easy to overdo it. I must remain mindful of the progress I have made, but I am also allowing myself a bit of a break. Obviously I am eating more that I had- out of hunger. I never had hunger when I was at a good adjustment (or even a too tight adjustment!)- I just need to get back there, without the pbing.
I am still holding onto 80 pounds lost, and I am thankful to that. I know once my band is adjusted again, I will be back on track- fall down seven times, get up eight, right??
Love to all, and all my best wishes for a wonderful holiday.
xoxoxox
Annie
Now, what's new with me? It's been a WHOLE Month since I have blogged, although, I do read the blogs from time to time.
I had a tweak in my band that led me to be TOO TIGHT! Emergency room tight. Complete un-fill tight. Ugh.
I have been fluid free in my band for 2 weeks, and I have an appt. on the 29th to get some fluid put back in. I have been careful these last couple of weeks, but have been eating food that I hadn't been able to in a while. The overfill was completely my own fault- she wanted to put in a touch, I asked for more, the rest is history. When you cannot swallow your own spit, it sucks.
Life otherwise has been very stressful. I am blessed to have the problems I have because I can deal with them, but it's not always easy. I know everyone has their fair share these days, and I am not complaining. I am more sharing, and asking for support. My daughter is wonderful, she is growing up so quickly- 3 and a half now! wow! She is awesome.
Things with my husband have been very difficult. He is working with a new doctor, getting PT (very intense PT) three days a week, and is in a lot of pain all the time. Pain sucks. It changes everything. It changes your personality. It changes your life. We are making some strides in getting him into pain management, but that has it's challenges as well. There is a perception factor that if you are in pain and need pain medicine, that you are a druggie. It erodes your self esteem to have to ask for relief from pain- and it makes you angry to have to beg for something that will help. All very complicated.
I work in the health care industry, so I get it. I also get that patients have a right to NOT be in PAIN.
Having said all of that, it is hard to continue to be supportive in light of his difficult moods, especially when I have been carrying the load for two years now. I am blessed to be able to continue to do so, but it's hard to be superwoman, and do it with a sunny disposition 24/7!
I did start seeing a therapist a couple of months ago, and it is helpful. I am not on any anti-depressents any more- they numbed me out, and frankly, I have wasted enough time being numb. As uncomfortable as things are, I need to be 100% engaged, and present, and aware. I don't want to go through the motions anymore, and it's that spirit that makes me short with my husband when he expects me to be caring. I don't want to see a sink full of dishes when I get home with our daughter at 7:15 and then hear how hungry you are. Sorry. This anger comes out, his anger comes out, and because we don't want to fight in front of our daughter, it just festers.
Wow, this is becoming more cathartic than I expected!
So, who knows what is going to happen. I am happy he is going to be going to pain mgt in December. I am happy that I am not numb. I am happy I am getting a fill next Monday. I am also happy that I have my daughter, and I know that despite these problems, my husband and I love each other. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet and destroy a family.
Maybe the message is thankfulness. Be thankful for what you do have- I am. Be thankful for the problems you don't have- I am. Be thankful for being thankful.
Needless to say, all of this is complicated, confusing, stressful, and sad. I force myself not to turn to my old friend food during these times. Without the fluid in my band, it's easy to overdo it. I must remain mindful of the progress I have made, but I am also allowing myself a bit of a break. Obviously I am eating more that I had- out of hunger. I never had hunger when I was at a good adjustment (or even a too tight adjustment!)- I just need to get back there, without the pbing.
I am still holding onto 80 pounds lost, and I am thankful to that. I know once my band is adjusted again, I will be back on track- fall down seven times, get up eight, right??
Love to all, and all my best wishes for a wonderful holiday.
xoxoxox
Annie
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Un-fill and Progress
Hey there,
So, I had an unfill last week. So far, no pb's, no sliming, no stuckness.... it's all good. I am holding steady at my weight, but enjoying food, for the first time, in a long time. Alas, I think I need a small fill- they took out 1.0cc, and I will probably get something less than that put back in. I feel better- which is the best part, but I think I need a bit more to get my scale moving again!
Thinking of all of you, and wishing you success!!!
Big hugs!
xoxox
A
So, I had an unfill last week. So far, no pb's, no sliming, no stuckness.... it's all good. I am holding steady at my weight, but enjoying food, for the first time, in a long time. Alas, I think I need a small fill- they took out 1.0cc, and I will probably get something less than that put back in. I feel better- which is the best part, but I think I need a bit more to get my scale moving again!
Thinking of all of you, and wishing you success!!!
Big hugs!
xoxox
A
Friday, October 14, 2011
What's Happening Hot Stuff?
So, it's been a pretty busy few weeks! While all you beautiful ladies were at BOOBS, I, too was on vacation. Hubby, and my dearest daughter and I all went down to Florida for ten days- spending a week in the beautiful Clearwater Beach Sand Key, and then the long weekend at Disney. The trip was great- we all had a wonderful time. Disney was a bit of a wash- literally! It rained (poured out of the heavens!) all weekend. My little girl had the deluxe princess experience at the Bibbidy Boppity Boutique- adorable! She loved every minute of it. The pictures were beautiful too- totally worth the expense.
The next day we headed to the Magic K*gdom- it was literally pouring the entire time we were there, so we cut it a bit short, since most of the outside attractions were closed :( My little girl is only three, though, so she had no expectations, and was not disappointed. It is a bit overwhelming as it is, but she enjoyed the monorail, the princess meet and greet, and It's a Small World ride.
Back to work this past Wednesday- the work didn't stop while I was gone, and I have been catching up ever since.
On the band front, I was tighter than a drum for my entire vacation. I hate being tight, and I realize that while I don't have any reflux- D.G., that pb'ing every meal is not a good thing. For me, it is a vicious cycle- I get stuck once, and then am too tight, keep eating, pb- and on and on. Anyhow, I went to see the lovely Dr. Fielding at NYU yesterday- (he is very handsome in person!) and got 1.0 cc out. I feel so much better already. I lost 25 lbs since my last visit, which was a few months ago- June? But, I haven't lost a thing in the last mont or so. The same two pounds up and down. I am confident that this unfill will right my wagon, and once I am less inflamed I will be able to get the scale moving again.
Another item that I need to begin to seriously address is exercise. I have a million excuses, but that has to stop. Immediately!!! I am going to discuss a plan with my hubby this weekend, and will update you next time I blog.
The pics from BOOBS were awesome, and it looks like everyone had a great time! I hope to attend next year!
Oh, btw- my bandiversary was on 10/1! I am down 90 pounds! Woo hoo! I was hoping for 100, but I will get there- I am in this for the long haul! xoxoxox
Annie
The next day we headed to the Magic K*gdom- it was literally pouring the entire time we were there, so we cut it a bit short, since most of the outside attractions were closed :( My little girl is only three, though, so she had no expectations, and was not disappointed. It is a bit overwhelming as it is, but she enjoyed the monorail, the princess meet and greet, and It's a Small World ride.
Back to work this past Wednesday- the work didn't stop while I was gone, and I have been catching up ever since.
On the band front, I was tighter than a drum for my entire vacation. I hate being tight, and I realize that while I don't have any reflux- D.G., that pb'ing every meal is not a good thing. For me, it is a vicious cycle- I get stuck once, and then am too tight, keep eating, pb- and on and on. Anyhow, I went to see the lovely Dr. Fielding at NYU yesterday- (he is very handsome in person!) and got 1.0 cc out. I feel so much better already. I lost 25 lbs since my last visit, which was a few months ago- June? But, I haven't lost a thing in the last mont or so. The same two pounds up and down. I am confident that this unfill will right my wagon, and once I am less inflamed I will be able to get the scale moving again.
Another item that I need to begin to seriously address is exercise. I have a million excuses, but that has to stop. Immediately!!! I am going to discuss a plan with my hubby this weekend, and will update you next time I blog.
The pics from BOOBS were awesome, and it looks like everyone had a great time! I hope to attend next year!
Oh, btw- my bandiversary was on 10/1! I am down 90 pounds! Woo hoo! I was hoping for 100, but I will get there- I am in this for the long haul! xoxoxox
Annie
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Trip Planning
Hey Ladies,
Just wanted to wish you a boobilicous adventure this weekend! We are headed down to Florida for 10 days or so, to spend time with Hubby's family, and then a long weekend in Disney! Yay! It will be the first time for my daughter, who was three in May- I think she is the best age for this now- very excited!
I hope I can come to B(.)(.)Bs next year!
xoxo
Annie
Just wanted to wish you a boobilicous adventure this weekend! We are headed down to Florida for 10 days or so, to spend time with Hubby's family, and then a long weekend in Disney! Yay! It will be the first time for my daughter, who was three in May- I think she is the best age for this now- very excited!
I hope I can come to B(.)(.)Bs next year!
xoxo
Annie
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Update and Jeggins
Hello friends,
So. I am off the Zoloft, as I indicated in my post last week. So far, so good. Two things I notice immediately have changed- 1. My libido is in overdrive, and 2. I seem to have a bit more of an "edge" to me than I did while on the medication. Neither is a bad thing in my mind. It certainly provides me with more authenticity- I feel less blah, which is amazing.
I had my therapy appt. last week, and I go again today. I am excited. I was originally going to cancel, since I need to pick my child up right after, and her father can't pick her up today, but I think I am going to modify my session by either starting earlier, by 15 minutes, or by ending a little earlier. I would rather not cancel. I think it's too important to me right now, and I have some things to discuss with her.
I am down a pound! Yay! This is the same pound that I took credit for last week though, but had gained back. So, anyway, I am officially at my low weight during this journey. Yippee!
So, my family had a small birthday party for me on Saturday, and I had nothing to wear. I went to LB to see what was up- both with the "fashions" and my sizes. I take a 16W in pants and a 16 or 18 in tops! Yay! I bought a pair of jeggings and a nice top, along with a pair of ballet flats. Love! I can't believe I am wearing jeggings, but I really loved the way they looked. They made my legs look so skinny, for me, and the top had just enough to cover my mommy pouch. See pics below of the outfit:
I thought it looked pretty good!
(The pics above are not of me, but of the LB model from their website!)
xoxo
A
So. I am off the Zoloft, as I indicated in my post last week. So far, so good. Two things I notice immediately have changed- 1. My libido is in overdrive, and 2. I seem to have a bit more of an "edge" to me than I did while on the medication. Neither is a bad thing in my mind. It certainly provides me with more authenticity- I feel less blah, which is amazing.
I had my therapy appt. last week, and I go again today. I am excited. I was originally going to cancel, since I need to pick my child up right after, and her father can't pick her up today, but I think I am going to modify my session by either starting earlier, by 15 minutes, or by ending a little earlier. I would rather not cancel. I think it's too important to me right now, and I have some things to discuss with her.
I am down a pound! Yay! This is the same pound that I took credit for last week though, but had gained back. So, anyway, I am officially at my low weight during this journey. Yippee!
So, my family had a small birthday party for me on Saturday, and I had nothing to wear. I went to LB to see what was up- both with the "fashions" and my sizes. I take a 16W in pants and a 16 or 18 in tops! Yay! I bought a pair of jeggings and a nice top, along with a pair of ballet flats. Love! I can't believe I am wearing jeggings, but I really loved the way they looked. They made my legs look so skinny, for me, and the top had just enough to cover my mommy pouch. See pics below of the outfit:
(The pics above are not of me, but of the LB model from their website!)
xoxo
A
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Back in the Saddle Again!
Lovelies,
I am back in the saddle. The therapy saddle, that is. I did it- I finally got myself an appointment with a new therapist- and I am very excited! My appt is this evening, at 5pm. Hubby is picking up my lovely little girl, and I am getting a break.
Okay, so things are not perfect in BandAid land- like everyone else, I am trying to adjust my lifestyle to our economy, and sometimes it's just not easy. I realize, and have said many times, that I thank God for my problems- they are managable to me, and that is fine. Other people's problems are much worse than mine, so please don't think I am complaining. I'm not. What I am doing is taking charge of me- as the beautiful Read said earlier- I am "owning me". Life is, as the diving diva Barbara, has stated, "too short". It is. That is for sure.
I am not happy lately, and that's not good. It affects the people around me- home, work, everywhere. I owe it to myself and everyone around me to get my shit straight, and that's what I am starting tonight.
Interestingly, I have stopped taking Zol*ft, and I feel fantastic. I think I was numbed out, kind of not dealing with the stuff going on in my life- husband not working, mounting financial pressure, feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, etc. For me, Zol*ft helped me cope by not forcing me to cope- that's probably not clear. I feel almost like I was in a self induced emotional coma- I wasn't dealing with things because I just couldn't, and the meds kept things in check.
Lately, I feel like I am emerging from a coccoon. A fat coccoon, and a anti depressant coccoon. Yay me!
My little girl started preschool on Friday. God, I love that kid. She is my shining star, and the numero uno reason for me straightening myself out!
BTW, my birthday was Saturday, and I am another year older. I think I am going to seriously start lying about my age.
Lovalu!
A
I am back in the saddle. The therapy saddle, that is. I did it- I finally got myself an appointment with a new therapist- and I am very excited! My appt is this evening, at 5pm. Hubby is picking up my lovely little girl, and I am getting a break.
Okay, so things are not perfect in BandAid land- like everyone else, I am trying to adjust my lifestyle to our economy, and sometimes it's just not easy. I realize, and have said many times, that I thank God for my problems- they are managable to me, and that is fine. Other people's problems are much worse than mine, so please don't think I am complaining. I'm not. What I am doing is taking charge of me- as the beautiful Read said earlier- I am "owning me". Life is, as the diving diva Barbara, has stated, "too short". It is. That is for sure.
I am not happy lately, and that's not good. It affects the people around me- home, work, everywhere. I owe it to myself and everyone around me to get my shit straight, and that's what I am starting tonight.
Interestingly, I have stopped taking Zol*ft, and I feel fantastic. I think I was numbed out, kind of not dealing with the stuff going on in my life- husband not working, mounting financial pressure, feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, etc. For me, Zol*ft helped me cope by not forcing me to cope- that's probably not clear. I feel almost like I was in a self induced emotional coma- I wasn't dealing with things because I just couldn't, and the meds kept things in check.
Lately, I feel like I am emerging from a coccoon. A fat coccoon, and a anti depressant coccoon. Yay me!
BTW, my birthday was Saturday, and I am another year older. I think I am going to seriously start lying about my age.
Lovalu!
A
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